LGBTQ

Walking in the Rain

Keshav Tyagi

For me, being API and LGBT are two very different communities, and much of my struggle was trying to merge these two parts of my identity together into one being. That was my chief difficulty coming to terms with what I was, and my journey being an out LGBT. My Indian heritage is what clashed with my identification with the LGBT community. In my culture, gay was just never talked about – it was neither applauded nor reprimanded. It was something people were ashamed of, and did their best to keep locked behind closed doors.

So when I came out, besides the obvious shock to my parents and family, there was a huge element of shame associated with my decision. It was a burden on their shoulders, and for a while their shame was my burden too. Coming out led to a lot of unfortunate events. I ran away from home, fleeing physical and emotional abuse from my parents. I almost signed paperwork that would’ve made me a legal independent, and I was prepared to drop out of high school to find a way to support myself. It was an intense and scary time in my life, one that I don’t like to talk about that much. Even three years later, I still tear up when I revisit the story and relive the memories – my fright, my terror.

It took me three long years to come out to myself. Following an unfortunate event when I was 15, I suffered extreme PTSD and shame for my homosexuality. I hated the fact I was gay, and I considered myself weak for not being able to change. I finally came out to myself the beginning of my senior year of high school, and I resolved to start coming out to my friends. I was terrified, naturally. But one thing that made it easier for me was a pair of black leather and fingerless gloves. At night, while my family would sleep, I’d put them on. While wearing them, I felt no shame in who I was, and in my sexual orientation. When I wore those gloves, I felt free. It was revelation, and the token helped me become comfortable with myself, as eventually I started wearing them out in public in school.

I came out to my best friend in December, three months after I had pledged to do so. While waiting for the bus home, she just asked me. When I told her, I felt cold and I started shaking. And after I said yes, I fell down and started crying, because I had taken the first step. It felt like I had finally lifted off the chains. After that, I began to slowly come out to my friends one by one. And with each person I told, I began to shine a little more inside. People began to notice me and regard me better. I guess maybe they knew, and they were proud that I was embracing myself and being open about what I was, without any inhibitions. But it was markedly different. Even now, when I come out to people for the first time, I still get that warm embrace.

I did come out to my family. My parents did not take it well. I suffered repeated physical and emotional abuse, which made me run away from home. While my siblings were supportive and tried to talk to my parents, it didn’t work. In the end, we began seeing a family counselor to talk things through. But there was always awkwardness about our fights and conflicts, issues we didn’t revisit until two years after the fact. My family has come a long way since then. They accept me and love me. My mother even asks me if I think some guys on TV are cute. Granted I don’t feel comfortable sharing things like my boyfriend with my parents, it feels good to know they have made it so far. Now it’s a matter of life needing to happen, so they can go from accepting and loving me to embracing every choice I make. Personally, I would love to bring home my boyfriend and have a wedding with their blessing. It’s just a matter of time.

In the present day, I am very comfortable talking about my sexual orientation. While I don’t disclose my orientation to everyone I meet, I am relatively discrete. I openly talk about ex-boyfriends or my current boyfriend to people, instead of using gender neutral pronouns and being savvy and discrete with my language. I am comfortable being uncensored in my life; I am proud of who I am, and I don’t feel the need to hide anything. Granted this doesn’t mean I’d walk around everywhere wearing a “Legalize Gay” T-shirt, but I am comfortable nonetheless.

At first I was convinced my decision to come out was the stupidest decision I had made. Mainly because my parents weren’t 100% on board. But from my experience, there were two big things I learned.

Love is spelled T-I-M-E. It took time for them to come to terms with who I am. A lot of the time we forget that while we have to come out to ourselves, and later to others. They have to come out too. They have to come out to accept you for being a part of the LGBT community as well. So when we open ourselves up to our families, we choose to after we had so many years to process, and on our own terms. For them, they didn’t necessarily make that preparation. In the end, it’s just a matter of catching up to us.

You come out when you feel it’s the right thing to do. When you have nothing to lose. When you feel like there is nothing left for you to do but come out. Personally, I can’t tell you when that moment is, but you’ll know when the time is right to come out. Don’t let someone push you out of the closet; only do it when you are ready. And when that moment arises, it will be unequivocally clear. Yes, you might be scared. But it’s ok. If you weren’t scared, then it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.

Categories: LGBTQ

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