LGBTQ

Quieting the Silence

Steven Truong

Silence.

Cars whizzed by us on the busy street. UCLA students hungry for animal style fries filled the busy fast food chain. Bad music must have been blaring from the nearby bar.

Yet, the world was silent. Mark sat across from me puzzled and concerned. I had gone through tonight’s conversation all week. I had rehearsed every scenario. Yet, I sat there in silence.

Growing up in a Chinese immigrant family, I learned at an early age that silence was the key. My secret was safely locked away as long as I didn’t talk about it. No one needed to know that in first grade I had a dream that I was married to my male classmate–even if it felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. No one had to know that being “asexual” (as my friends called me) was better than being gay. No one had to know that part about me.

Coming out to myself was not like what I saw on TV or what I read in books. There was no dramatic revelation. I just came to understand and accept that I liked men. That part was easy. Breaking the silence was the hard part.

It certainly made it easier that my two older brothers avoided ever talking to me about girls. My mother boasted to her friends that I was too busy with school to think about girls. My sister never asked me why I had a Kirk Cameron poster on my bedroom wall. Even my gay best friend whom I was out to never talked about it. It was as if everyone was in on the secret and knew to keep it locked away.

But in college I had reached a point in my life where I felt that I had to finally begin living it. Mark was one of my closest friends in college and I thought he would be an easy start to my coming out process.

What seemed like hours passed. Mark asked again, “What’s wrong?” My heart raced. My palms grew wet. My body began to shiver even in the warm Spring night. The words weren’t coming out. I was growing lightheaded. I couldn’t breathe. My chest was tightening. I was suffocating. I let out a breath and finally the words came out: “I’m gay.”

The rest of the conversation is a blur to me. I don’t remember any of the words. But what I do remember clearly is feeling the immeasurable relief, the reassuring warmth and lightness in my chest of finally being able to talk to someone about being gay. That night we decided that it was a good time to tell my other friend. He drove me to her apartment and I came out to her. I was on a roll. That following week, I stood up at a podium in front of my fraternity and uttered the words “I’m gay”.

Eight years later, I continue to come out. Most of the time I have no problem sharing who I am with others. But there certainly are still moments where I hesitate. Silence continues to tempt me as it can seem so much more comfortable and safe. But I do believe that my experience as a gay man has taught me to be compassionate, empathetic and willing to understand what society may deem outside the norm. It is with this understanding that I fight the temptation to be silent. Whether it’s an intense hour long conversation or a casual five second mention, the silence inside me grows less quiet with each conversation–including this very one.

Categories: LGBTQ

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